On Facebook, this past week, the mom of this girl posted a not happy comment regarding my decision on my wall. Attacking me as well as my girls. Stating that I thought my girls were perfect and I just didn’t want to see what they were really like. Really? I am detached from my kids???? Yeah. It made me laugh too. It also cemented the fact that I know that I made the right decision. While my first instinct is lash out at this woman regarding the actions of her kid (as well as post the details of her angel’s actions publically) …I was reminded that it just wasn’t worth it. We have spent a year worth of energy trying to give chance after chance. We have tried to forget…repeatedly. Now, it’s time to walk away. Completely.

So yes. High School BS has abounded. Sometimes, it’s entertaining. Sometimes, it’s just pathetically sad.

In other news, I have decided that I need to reevaluate my pile of obligations (again) and it dawned on me today that I do this best while running. Why is that?

I have some running events on my calendar for the coming year. They will require me to keep training through our blastedly hot summer here in South Florida…but I think I have that figured out. I have also resigned myself to the fact that I am not going to be a 9 MM runner. I WILL however be extremely happy to be a 12MM runner. Especially considering that just over a year ago, I was a 15MM runner. Yes. I have dropped 3 minutes off of my starting pace in a year. How awesome is THAT? Have I mentioned that I also have realized that I beat myself up a lot? Especially when it comes to running.

School. Uggghhh. Why is it so hard to go back once you are an adult? Finding time to study and work while doing all of the other stuff on the agenda is challenging me in ways that I never thought possible. I am determined though. June. Come hell or high water…or hurricanes…or …..

We have had a plethora of company over the past month. Great company. It has made me really find my love for human beings again…and to realize again just how stinking blessed I am. It has also worn me out.

Businesswise, I am bringing back my radio show…along with 8 bazillion other things. It really is exciting the snot out of me.

Life is…wonderfully busy. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hi Blog World. I wanted to introduce you to someone that I think is pretty awesome. My son, or as he is often referred to here on my blog – the 16 YO, Boy Child, The Boy. He is hilariously funny. He is compassionate, kind hearted and…probably one of the most intelligent people that I know. (I am not just saying that because he is mine either)

Yesterday, he posted rather openly on Facebook that he was an Atheist. And within 20 minutes, I noticed 4 others in MY friend list had posted some form of status regarding their religious beliefs which I believe were a direct response to his post, without the tags and confrontation. Welcome to freedom of speech in the form of Social Media. (You don’t have to tag people in your posts for them to understand that it is directed at you)  This morning, I woke up to even more, as well as a comment or two on his wall sharing negative feelings about his post. It made me think…and now, because it is inappropriate for me to post this lengthy of a thought list on his wall, you get a blog post – about religion.

In our home, we blended an ex-Christian goes Wiccan/Earth based spiritual hippy with an ex Jehovah Witness knowledge junkie into a family. My hub didn’t practice however, he did follow and knew A LOT. I, on the other hand, was at one point, not very long ago, a church going, bible studying gal. (don’t fall over – its true) For various reasons, I was turned off to organized religion and have found great peace grounding my feet and my spirit with the Goddess, Mother Earth. Even though my hub and I don’t go to a building on Sunday and proclaim our love and dedication to the same God that others do, I still consider us a deeply spiritual family. We are. And we have 3 children that are a direct result of our passionate beliefs…and our ideas that everyone should make those spiritual decisions for themselves.

Atheism is often misconstrued. Because of the misconceptions and close minded nature of most people, it gets a general bad wrap. The fact is that most Atheist are brilliant human beings. Like my son. They are free thinkers who don’t make decisions lightly. Atheists don’t believe in a deity. Call it God, Jehovah, Mother Earth…whatever it is, they don’t. Because they want facts. And facts don’t point you at faith. It doesn’t mean that their lives are pointless, cruel or in any way without passion. It just means that they want concrete evidence before they believe something.

My son has studied about the bible. He has learned about the bazillion other organized religions (Thank you freedom of Home Schooling) and with his brilliant mind, has decided that believing in something that there is no scientific evidence for and following along with some modern day persons interpretation of a book that may or may not be interpreted correctly because the original language in which it was written is virtually dead and that said book may or may not be printed in it’s entirety is not where he wants to spend HIS energy.  He isn’t some young punk 16 year old who is just out to buck the system. That isn’t the way he rolls. Ever.

While I don’t personally share his thought process about religion, I admire him for it.  My son requires facts. He makes his own decisions and doesn’t go along just for the sake of going along. He isn’t afraid to stand up for what he thinks even when his own friends and family tell him that he is too young, can’t “get it”, or insist that he is wrong because what he believes isn’t what they believe.

My son is open minded…and compassionate. He gives others the same amount of respect religiously as they give to him. He will bow his head while others pray. He doesn’t ridicule people for thinking apart from him. He even enjoys discussing religion with people because intelligent conversations fuel him to be smarter.

Just don’t try to force your thoughts on him. Share. Yes. Force. No.

My son is the epitome of religious tolerance. So, he doesn’t believe in God? So what?  If more people were like him on this planet, we would not have half of the problems that we have today. Our national budget would be balanced, we wouldn’t have wars, all humans would have the same rights and opportunities, no one would be dying from hunger or lack of medical care and we wouldn’t be in a global environmental crisis. What do any of those things have to do with my son being atheist? NOTHING directly. They have everything to do with people like him being allowed to think outside of the “normal” box, make decisions for themselves that they believe in and are allowed to stand behind though.

PS – Aust, thank you for always being you. You make me be a better human because I am your Mom.

My head is bouncing like a fucking ping pong ball.

I have read the same sentence in my Nutrition text about 10 different times and I can not tell you what it says. Is this normal? You know, normal for a working mom with 3 home schooled kids, 2 jobs, a pile of school work and 8 bazillion obligations I mean?

I haven’t been having issues falling into a deep sleep. Nope. Sleeping isn’t the issue for me. It’s getting my brain to slow down enough to let me get there. Once I am out, I am good until morning. Then..I hit the ground running. (well, not literally running because we all know that my stupid foot is hindering THAT for me right now)

I am slowly working to clear things from my plate. I am making sure that I don’t have things being added as quickly as I can remove them. But…I still can’t focus. What is wrong with me?

I am grumpy. I am moody. I don’t like being this way but dammit!

I keep saying that I need a vacation but unless someone comes over, packs my crap and makes all of the arrangements and then looks at me at the last minute saying “Go.” I am afraid it would only add to the pile of things that is distracting me…and hellooo, how can I get the studying done while on vacation?

I really wish my brain had an off switch.

On an added note: I made time for a short run today in effort to see how my foot is doing. I HATE that a non running injury has been affecting my running so darn much. Patience is apparently my lesson for this year. *sigh*

So….I have down time. MUCH NEEDED down time. Not that my down time is really down. It just means that I have a few extra minutes to inhale some coffee in the A.M. before I have to start running. Whatever it is…I will take it.

Yesterday, I remembered that I am indeed a human. That it’s ok for me to have a bad day…or two. The fact that most in my life had no clue that inside I have been screaming and crying – a lot…says a lot for my ability to shelter those around me from the not so happy times that I sometimes have. My hub always knows. He also knows that there is a fine line of being there for me that sits somewhere between just enough to let me know he is here for me and him thinking that I am a weakling that needs to be coddled.

So…world, I am indeed human. And here is what has been in my head…and why I am just not quite up to par as of late:

• Mom has been struggling. She is dropping more weight than she should and we are trying to figure shit out..before she dwindles away. Sometimes, that is scary as fuck…and frustrating. Especially when nutrition and food are my livelyhood. I am struggling with how to help her..but knowing that I CAN…once I figure it all out. I just hope that I can clear my head to figure that out soon. I hate when she is having a bad day…almost as much as I hate cancer itself.
• I am fighting to close a chapter in my life with someone who has always told me what a great friend he is to me…despite not actually being one. He has used my hub and I for years and tossed cash at us in an effort to be a friend. Reality is: HE USED US.  When that became clear to me, I decided to write a nice ending to this part of my life.  I want more than anything for this final step to be handled so I can indeed shut…and lock this door. Only the fate gods seem to have other plans. It is taking all that I can to maintain my niceties with this whole situation.  If I didn’t feel that it was such a matter of principal at this point, I would indeed stop being nice and just tell him to fuck off.
• I am struggling with a couple of injuries. Over use. Over doing. In my effort to be super woman. To inspire people. I have hurt myself. Do you have any idea how fricken embarrassing that is? Healing completely, is taking FOREVER it seems. I haven’t been running because one of the injuries involves my foot. It wasn’t a result of my running but…it has greatly hindered it while I try to let my body heal. And others are making snide remarks about my lack of running…rather than taking two seconds to stop and think about the fact that maybe this super girl needs a bit of encouragement herself sometimes. I try to be that cheerleader for everyone else yet…well, nevermind and my apologies for the weak moment there.
• I am trying to push my way through the last of my school plans. PUSH being the key word here. Taking classes in something that I have been doing for the past 6 years, in order to obtain a stupid piece of paper that will ensure people that I indeed know what I am doing. YES. That is how I feel about it. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the classes. Yes, I am learning things. But nothing that is really changing the course of what I have been doing already. My purpose for getting through school is so I can get my certifications. Period. Those certifications don’t mean shit to me. Honestly. I don’t need a piece of paper to convince myself that I know what I am doing. I don’t. But apparently, other people do. And other organizations. And insurance companies. And because of that, I have added this last bit of formality to my already bulging plate. Sometimes, when I am trying to fit it all in…it frustrates the fuck out of me.
• I am sooooo sick of school for my kids this year. I hate that I am even uttering these words. But…all 3 have had their share of struggles this year and I am just really ready for them to be able to take a breath. For all of us really. We NEED a couple of months without teachers, obligations and deadlines. I think probably me more than them. We have schooled year round for the past two. So our summers have not been any kind of break. I hope that this summer will float slowly and not fly by like last years did. All I can think about is sunshine, sand and TONS of time to laugh and play. *crossing fingers* June 8 the last of mine will be done and we will have 2 glorious months of nothingness. Sheer bliss.

I am not angry. Or sad. I am simply…human. I am ok with that.

It turns out that the universe has handed me this instructor and group of students for a great many other reasons though.

Each class, we meditate on a specific theme. Last night, the theme was “being present”. This is something that I have been working on for myself for quite some time and is the basis of what I teach to my nutrition clients.

Being present, makes you aware…of EVERYTHING.

It turns out, that this super girl was carrying around a lot of self doubt. (I know. I was shocked when I realized it too.)  You see, when I was in high school, I used to swim competitively. As a result, I have some shoulder issues. I was in physical therapy more than I care to mention to try to fix my shoulders and when I was finally handed the “You need surgery to progress any further ” card…I quit swimming. So for the majority of my life, I have been sheltering my shoulders. Making sure that the things I did try to do, wouldn’t aggravate them.  I would live my life repeatedly saying “Oh, I can’t do that – bad shoulders.” It wasn’t an excuse to me. It was just my way of life. I had something holding me back because I had a large fear of injuring myself enough that I would HAVE no choice but to have surgery or that I would have even more limits.

Not once did I ever think that my shoulders were strong.

One of the things that I love about running is that for the most part, my weak shoulders never played in on my ability to run. I could escape, work my body hard and not once have to think about slowing down because of my shoulder problems.  It’s been my way to be free. The one thing I had that wasn’t affected by my broken down body.

I even let my shoulders affect my yoga practice.

My instructor would lead us through a series of poses and when it would come to “floating in to plank”, my brain would leave the moment and instantly send up the worry alarm about my shoulders. (I have been a martial arts student for 4 years now and have yet to do a pushup for that very reason). However, under the supervision of a great yoga instructor, she took 2 minutes during one of the first classes that I ever took with her to show me how to control my body so that I could indeed plank. 2 minutes that allowed me to succeed at something that I never thought I could do.

Then, this same instructor, down the road, demonstrated a flying down dog.  (see pose to the right) At which point, I think I laughed – aloud.  This same instructor laughed too…and then told me that she knew I could do it.
I did it.

Last night, in class, I did a full hand stand. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t cry. More importantly, I didn’t fall.

I did it.

I realized as we were driving home last night that what has been holding me back all this time -  is me. I have always looked at my body as being broken. Like a car with what you think is an ailing transmission. You don’t want to take it in and have the transmission rebuilt because you will be without your car for a long time and it will cost you a pretty penny.  Never do you think that the problem might not actually be the transmission. Because all signs point to an ailing transmission.

Imagine how surprised you are when you realize that your car just needed new tires….put on by a decent mechanic…that knew what in the hell they were doing….and you realize this after almost 25 years of worrying about the transmission?

It hit me like a mac truck. I felt stupid. I felt like I had betrayed myself. I laid in bed last night thinking of all of the things that I hadn’t done because I MIGHT hurt my shoulders and I was scared to death of that.  Then…the relief set in…and the joy. The excitement!

I was set free. Finally. Don’t get me wrong, after 25 years, I am certain that my self preservation habit isn’t just gone in an instant however, I WILL stop seeing myself as partially broken. As of right now. I can start building – properly.

I AM strong. I know that now.

This weekend… I was fortunate enough to have just that.

We celebrated Bug’s birthday. We were surrounded by some damn great kids and thankfully the kind of kids who weren’t infused with drama. About 15 of them filled my home one evening with a few less today. No fights. No ugliness. Just silly, happy kids.

I watched and listened as they told jokes. They organized a game of zombie tag, tossed around the football…and as I type tonight, I can still hear laughter in my home.

I can’t even begin to put into words how stinking happy I am, or how lucky I feel.

I have been having a few of those days recently.

Sitting back and seeing people making excuses about their lives being in a place that “they just can’t do a thing about”

Watching people treat others like total crap and walking around like they don’t know why on earth others are glaring.

Listening to people point blame in every direction (except inward) for what is wrong with their lives.

It really gets my panties in a bunch. I get grumpy. I dont want to have contact with any humans. I don’t want to see Facebook. I don’t want to talk on the phone. I certainly don’t want to go anywhere where I might have to witness more of the stupidity. Nope.

So, I haven’t.

And I just keep hoping that at some point, it will become legally acceptable to spork people.

The whole “not saying it out loud because I don’t want to have to spork people” thing isn’t really what bothers me most about this feeling crappy thing though. Nope.

What bothers me most is that I HAVE TO SLOW DOWN!

I hate it.

I am having to wake up each day and evaluate my to do list based on how I feel. Give myself plenty of time to rest if I need to but most of all, I haven’t been running. It sucks.

Running is what I know. It is my stress reliever. It is my mind clearer. It is what I do. Every single day.

I feel lost when I have to slow down. And even more lost when I don’t feel well enough to put in a couple of miles each day.
What exactly determines if I run?

• If I can stand upright for more than 10 minutes without feeling like I am going to pass out, I run. If I can’t manage 10 minutes upright, I walk..or crawl. I pledged to get in at least 1 mile per day for 2012. I keep my promises.
• If I have snot in my nose, a horrible cough, plugged up ears but no fever, I still run…with breaks to hork up my lungs. If the gook is below my neck, I walk. Its only a mile on the bad days. My mom has had chemo every single week since June 2011. If she can do that, I can run with the sniffles and a cough.
• If I am grumpy, I run further…and faster. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than a faster pace on Run Keeper.
• If I am crying at the drop of a hat, I run. Nothing is better therapy for what is ailing my mental state. Yes, I have run while sobbing out my frustrations…and screaming…and throwing rocks.
• If I have cramps, I run. Exercise releases endorphins and endorphins lift your mood. Period. Pardon the pun.
• If my muscles are sore or tired, I run. It loosens me up.
• If it’s cold, I don the leg warmers and gloves and run.
• If it’s raining, I run. See.
• If it’s hot, I run with less clothing.

Today, I ran my mile.  I felt good enough for that…but not good enough to get my 3.5 in.  It should still be enough to keep me from sporking anyone.

I am finding that there are a select few in these outer loops that grate on my last nerve. It takes all that I have to not lash out with a bit of sarcasm toward their whining when I see it. Last night however, I had an epiphany. That lashing out that I feel like I want to do…is the very thing that I am trying to empty from my life. It is negativity. Even though I don’t utter the words, the thoughts are still there. It still contaminates my attitude.

It is easy to walk the walk when I am out in public. It is easy for me to consciously react to most people that I encounter in a positive way however, I still have tendencies to THINK in a non positive manner.

………

………

That really makes me think about who I am.

I am not a negative person, however, I do have my moments. I still have times of getting angry, frustrated and emotional to the point of considering exactly how much damage a spork can do. I still drop an F bomb as a form of expression. I still lash out at the people that I love when I am under pressure or having a bad day. I am not a fricken patron saint of all things happy and sweet. I am not. I do however TRY to spew positive vibes whenever possible. I try to keep my kids on a good path and thinking about all of the good we can, as humans, do in this world. I TRY.

And now, since I had my epiphany, I need to try even harder.

I still don’t think that I will find compassion for the ones who cry about being broke 24/7 if they are out gambling every weekend in the name of fun. I still am not sure that I can feel bad for a person who whines about how hard their life is if they are doing nothing to take steps to change it. I won’t befriend the selfish one just for the sake of being a positive influence. I will however, try to stop the harsh feelings from spewing from my mind when I do encounter those people. They don’t deserve negative energy. Neither does the rest of the world.

You get what you project. It’s a simple principal. I lecture on it all the time. Now, I need to work on living it a bit better.